Touched by another's blog

I was touched by another's blog that I read this morning. I wanted to reach out but I am blocked from the blog. It is ok that I am blocked. With all the stuff going on in the world today I fully understand.

I wrote a response to the blog and am posting it. Writing it really helped me to sort out my feelings. I tried to leave a comment but it was to long so I tried breaking it up. Don't know if it will work but it's ok.

I feel your pain but in another way. I know the struggle of waiting on God. But I have learned that the waiting is a big part of the lesson he teaches.

It is like you said "Every single decision and every choice that I make are like a small pebble I've thrown into a pond, and it's the rippling effect which reveals my action and it's circles, over time, encompass more and more of the pond, unable to be hidden. Sin works in this way, as well. We like to think our sins are private and personal and that what is hidden doesn't hurt us or anyone else; we, Christians included, have been deceived by this thinking. "

Living in the past and not being able to confront it our accept God's forgiveness is Satan's way of keeping us in his grasps. This allows him to to use our guilt to justify or get caught up in further sins.

It took me many years to learn how to leave my sin at the foot of the cross and not pick it up and carry it off with me. I had to learn that once I asked and was forgiven by God there was no need for me to continue with my guilt. Satan knows that has humans forgiving ourselves is the hardest thing to do. We keep the pain and the memory of our sin with us instead of allowing God’s love and forgiveness to have control and come forth. We keep the wonders of Grace at bay within us with the help of Satan simply because we are unable to forgive.

I have also learned that until we as humans can forgive ourselves and allow God’s love to control our hearts we are not able to forgive others as we should. Sin is never just about one. Sin almost always takes part with another in some way. Sin, or our choices that cause us to sin, are also never about just one.

My husband battles his past and It has brought me great pain. I love him with all my heart, yet he is caught up in the “think our sins are private and personal and that what is hidden doesn't hurt us or anyone else”. When you are with someone for many years you learn “the signs” of their struggle. You also learn the “signs” of the choices they make to deal with it.

We all have our past and there are things we all wish we haven’t done. Yet, I know that it is because of the “sins” I have confronted and gotten forgiveness for and forgiveness I have accepted from God that have brought me closer to him. I try to allow God to show me the way through the forgiveness and this allows me to move away from the hurt and pain of the sin I needed the forgiveness for.

I also learned that you can not keep burdens locked up inside to eat away at you. Not only do we need to ask God to forgive us but also the one we sinned with or against. This can be very difficult and it can also be a way for Satan to manipulate the situation to cause new sin.

I made the mistake one time of talking to a friend, a male friend, about some personal issues and struggles I was having. This only led me to an even bigger problem. I began to confide in this man instead of my husband and it caused great pain for all of us. It is so easy to feel we can not talk to our spouse. Yet, that is what God wants us to do. Now if I need to talk to someone I will only talk to another woman or a woman in my church with high standing. Opening oneself up emotionally to the opposite sex is a very dangerous when we are struggling. Satan uses it to his advantage to make us feel as if we finally have someone who “get’s me”. Yet, do we really? When in truth the only one who “get’s us” is God.

I found you blog a few days ago and was blessed by your family. Today I see your new blog and felt the need to reach out. I do not know what you are struggling with but I will take a guess just based on the struggles I have had with my husband.

Something in your past has never been reconciled between you and God. I will assume as a pastor’s wife he either knows are was part of the issue in someway. Because you have never completely allowed yourself to accept God’s forgiveness and healing; you are angry and ashamed. I’m going out on a limb based on human behavior and say you also are angry at your husband for his part. My question is, if you have felt this way all this time do you not think he feels the same way? Until you are free of the guilt and accepted forgiveness he is not free. He is not free because you have not set him free with your forgiveness.

My husband does this. He will make a choice that he shouldn’t (he likes to find women to talk to on line about his issues). He then emotionally allows himself to be caught up in the moment and begins to question our relationship. Then comes the how I’m not a good wife and everything I do is not good enough for him and he doesn’t know what he wants. He says he loves me with all his heart yet his desire is for something that is not real. It is for an image and lie that Satan has put into his head.

Why do you think it is that so many of us think our struggles are not to be won? Why do you think so many of us are willing to just toss aside years of commitment and a promise we made to another and to God? Why it is so many of us feel someone other than our spouse is what we need? Why is it so many of us look for all that is wrong in our spouse instead of how much they have loved us, forgiven us, shared with us, built with us, struggled with us, cried with us, laughed with us, allowed us to be who we are, and loved us both in good times and bad. Why do you think we don’t stop and think about how much the other is hurting and realize that “the two shall be one” and as one we feel as the other feels and don’t know how to help? Why do we not stop and think that the other is hurting just as much and is just as scared not knowing how to communicate or deal with the issue? Why do you think we choose to take our thoughts, emotions, and feelings to someone outside our marriage to only make the divide between what God made as one begin to tear apart? Why do we do this to ourselves and to our loved ones?

So many of us accept Christ and become Christian. This is the first step. It is a hard step and difficult to live up to at times. The next step is where far to many of us fall short. Allowing God to be in control. Control….this is the battle we face each day. Giving ourselves over to God with our minds, bodies and soul. It is only then that we can stop ourselves from continuing the wrong direction. It is then we recognize the direction we are going. It is then we accept forgiveness and can forgive. It is then we truly understand the blessings God has given us with those around us. It is then we choose to do God’s will and not our own selfish desires. It is then we can fully grow in God’s love and understand how to give those around us God’s love.

For many years I have fought against Satan in my home. There are many times I feel I am loosing the battle. Reading my Bible and talking with God keeps me grounded and strong. Reading the struggles of others such as in your blog helps me to understand I am not alone.

I feel this time I will loose my husband, he once again has found another to “talk too” that has pulled him away. The pain of knowing is unbearable. The pain of his dishonesty is even worse. In the past I would try to find out who he was “communicating with” but this time I don’t have the strength. There is no way I can get him to understand that until he forgives himself, his past, and accept God’s forgiveness to cleans him and allow my love to embrace him there is nothing I can do. I can pray for him, I can put him in God’s hands but we both know that it is all still up to him. God can poke him and deal with his heart but in the end God will still give him the free will to follow the path he wants to take.

It is so very sad to give half your life to one person and see and feel there is nothing you can do to help them see how God has blessed them. There is nothing you can do to help them see where God wants them to be. There is nothing you can do to help them allow God to guide their mind, body and soul. There is nothing you can do to help them feel and know the love you have for them.

Love patient, Love is kind, Love is not selfish, Love is thoughtful, Love is not rude, Love is not irritable, Love believes the best, Love is not jealous, Love makes good impressions, Love is unconditional, Love cherishes, Love lets the other win, Love fights fair, Love takes delight, Love is honorable, Love intercedes, Love promotes intimacy, Love seeks to understand, Love is Jesus Christ, Love is satisfied in God, Love is faithful, Love always protects, Love is not lust, Love forgives, Love is responsible, Love encourages, Love makes sacrifices, Love brings unity, Love completes, Love celebrates Godliness, Love is accountable, Love is God’s word, Love agrees in prayer, Love endures, Love is a covenant. In other words the only way to truly love and know love is through God. Without God’s love in us we will always be searching for something that is not there somewhere else. I believe that regardless of what we may think we want or need God will place us where he wants us. It is then up to us to accept or reject the gifts he has laid before us.

The path that we take to grow in God’s love is a rocky road. To grow in his love as humans we fail and suffer from those failures. God has given us a way to turn those failures into blessings if we will only accept his forgiveness. The struggles we live through are of our own making. Yet, God forgives us and we can then take the love and forgiveness to draw closer to him. We need to find the blessings he gives us in our failings. The blessing of being able to share our sins and the beauty of God’s love and forgiveness with those who do not know true love.

I have no control over what my husband will decide to do with my marriage but from your blog you are in control of your marriage. I pray you will follow God’s lead. Take your anger and hurt to the foot of the cross, accept his love and forgiveness, forgive yourself, love yourself and then forgive and free those around you so that they to can once again feel fully God’s love around them.

Sister in Christ